#BernieLostMe Hijacked by American Pirates

 

A new hashtag is trending the world of Twitter. #BernieLostMe a smear campaign clearly designed by the wicked witch of the west, Hillary Clinton, to demoralize the avid fanatics of Bernie Sanders is currently trending with hundreds of thousands of retweets. It originally started as a way to criticize Sanders without fear of reprisal, but quickly devolved into an online fight starring Bernie pirates and Hillary ninjas. It was all a painfully slow process before the pirates arrived with people misquoting and creating “facts” about Sanders that simply aren’t truth. Free stuff they would yell as they patted each other in the backs for being smart republicans especially the Hillary ninjas who disguise themselves as democrats by day, but at night by moderates.  They would party and celebrate in their attempts to dismiss the legitimate threat which Bernie Sanders presented to their very fragile world view. BernieLostMe

But, the Bernie pirates were sailing the seven seas of the ocean that is the internet scouring for dangers coming from all angles. They searched high and low, up and down, left and right, and even in that dead sea we call Google+ for any threats that might have loomed on the horizon until finally they found the source of noise in the ocean. It was a hashtag with the name #BernieLostMe most likely created by troll ninjas wanting to create waves in their time of boredom. The pirates prepared for combat they all manned the rails, cannons and even the sails for combat maneuvers that would impress the saltiest of captains. They waited expectantly at the helm until they were within range and with the sound of a fire the fired their cannons at the ninja party. The ninjas prepared back with weapons of their own and in a blaze of glory the Pirates they laughed at the storm of giggles that were meant to be had.

The pirates stood strong in anger they yelled, ‘you shall never stop us, we’ll never be quelled’. The shots filled with honesty, and fury towards the establishment who took all the rights away from the masses. They fought into the dead of the night as both parties lost brave souls who fought in their beliefs, but as the moon shone the brightest the fight had calmed down. The fight might have ended a stalemate, but the pirates were emboldened by their struggle. Together we fight or together we die, it’s Bernie or bust no matter the cost, we believe in his values and won’t compromise. We shall see this fight to the end and even then we’ll carry on his struggle in our souls, inspired by the man who dared to challenge the status quo we shall build a future that cares for one and all. In the end they managed to hijacked the hashtag with polarizing tactics. They turned the negative into a positive and used humor and sarcasm. Their comments were witting and so full of laughter, in spite of a few that were hostile and savage. No lives were lost that day, but the struggle continues, to fight for their beliefs in this ocean of turds which we call American politics.

The ninjas are afraid to create any waves for fear that a fecal tsunami will flood their shores, but the pirates know that change never happens without a few sacrifices. ‘The revolution will happen’ could be heard in the wind that night, as those buccaneers left the shore with their prize. A stormy night of laughter and anger, with people from both side inciting one another. It was a long battle and a fun one at that, but the pirates must rest for now it is late. It is time to rest our weary spirits my mateys, for tomorrow shall rise on the bright and early.

We all had our fun now go back to sleep you crazy Americans who enjoy a good tweet. It was fun to fight, but much funner to laugh and I met some good people in spite of our sides. In the end of the day your beliefs are yours and you’re entitled to believe in what you choose. The fight is never ending and no matter who wins, we’re all screwed regardless since we are just sheep. In the grand scheme of things nobody matters since the super delegates will make this their own election. Fight as we might the establishment calls for a revolution. A civil war will erupt and many shall die. But, in the remains a new flag shall fly, until then we can all sit back and watch as the ruins of our once great country lay in the fields of a grand war…

 

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The pictures in this article belong to their respective owners.

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American Citizens Favor Hillbilly Charlatan over Honest Politician

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The year 2016 has been an eye opening experience for the world thanks to American politics. The overwhelming support that has been provided by American citizens towards Donald Trump, a man who confused 9/11 one of the biggest catastrophes in American history for 7/11, a franchise that has done more for diabetes than your local donut store, can be frankly astounding. This has left the rest of the world with an even larger negative view of America in general. However, what doesn’t come as a surprise is that the reasons for the support might actually be the disenchantment that is felt by the citizens of the United States towards the government establishment. As such, a hillbilly might seem to them as a viable choice for the leader of one of the greatest economic powers on earth.

It’s important to note that citizens of the United States have started realizing the fact that they have been taken advantage of by a system that could only be considered an oligarchy. Trust in the government is at an all-time low in the United States and only continues to decrease as time moves forward. A reason for this could be that major corporations have been lobbying in the government to take away the rights of citizens for close to a century only so they can deepen their own pockets. The citizens believe that by electing one of their own (a lobbyist) they will be disrupting the system from within and thus be creating what is tantamount to a black hole. If successful, the black hole created from this event will be so large that it will collapse unto itself and maybe take with it a couple of extra corporations along the way.

Sadly, this idea can be superfluous at best, when we take a closer look at everything that Donald Trump stands towards. This is a man who will say anything and everything to become elected, and half of the answers he provides could be considered nonsense to all, but his most loyal of followers; however Donald Trump still managed to secure the republican candidacy nonetheless.  Thus we must respect Donald Trump’s tenacity and survivability in this cutthroat world of politics at the least. One thing is certain, he is funding his campaign with his own money and as such we can’t say that he is in the pockets of big corporations because he is a corporation.

On the other side of the coin these same traits that are admired in Trump are the cause of scorn towards democratic nominee Senator Bernie Sanders, a man who has had close to 40 years of experience in Politics. Sanders surprisingly has no relation to the Colonel Sanders who parlayed in the business of chicken peddling and in fact denied it several times during various interviews is the representative for the state of Virginia. He has been fighting for the same rights and civil liberties that people of the United States deserve (but, have not fully obtained) for over three decades. Senator Sanders however is still trailing behind the other democratic nominee known only as the wicked witch of the west who instead represents the establishment. The odds seem stacked against him as more strange events regarding the primaries and caucuses continue to happen.

COlonel Sanders
Related? You be the judge.
Missing votes, closed voting establishments, known democratic voters mysteriously having their parties switch side, and failures to re-count when the masses are asking for them are all very large red flags in a system that has started to tear at the seams.  It seems that the United States government has finally started showing its true colors. ‘For the people by the people’ has been a myth propagated by the generations for centuries, but how true can that be when the country is ruled by those who have deep pockets and even deeper connections? In a world like this of course the hillbilly candidate can appear to be the logical choice because an honest politician is a paradox that can’t simply exists. The government is the enemy and  Sanders is viewed as the enemy of the establishment. Thus the establishment seeks to eliminate Sanders’ bid for presidency. Thus, it reinforces the American Citizens’ belief that their only hope lies in the other candidate who can’t be bought by money because his pockets are already filled, but they fail to realize that because Trump is one of them, he will still favor corporations.  There is no win for the United States only revolution is left. In a country that has slowly been taking away the rights of its citizens, only blood will reignite the flames of freedom. But, how long until the American people fight back? Who can tell?

witch-hillary
The Wicked Witch of The West
*Disclaimer

The pictures attached belong to their respective owners. This article is a work of satire and humor mixed with some serious observations. It is meant to be taken with a grain of salt.

Japanese Women Hate Sex!

A survey by the Japanese Family Planning Association has also recently surfaced which raised more than a few alarms. The survey indicated that a significant percentage of Japanese women aged 16 to 24 despise the idea of sexual contact and would rather not sit idly by and create babies as they were intended to by nature. Even the act of touching in public can be considered by these women to be inappropriate and undesirable behavior within their culture of harmony.

Alongside these news  is the commonly cited societal  fact that Japanese women are expected to marry men above their social standing as to avoid bringing shame to their family (which can potentially  lead to committing ritualistic suicide).  An interesting fact is that arranged marriages still exists in Japan, and as such loveless marriages and relationships can happen. It’s important to remember that when we don’t take the feelings of the people involved and are simply pushing people to create children for the sake of propagating a race/country we’re not creating a safe environment for raising children whose opinion of sex (which is used in creating babies) is a positive one. But, again Japanese culture is very deep rooted in its traditions.

An interesting cultural aspect of Japan is also that once the woman becomes a mother she is seen as a relative rather than a partner. This leads couple to cheat on each other as they can no longer view themselves as they once did. If a marriage also fails to produce children as quickly as they would like it can drive couples into the arm of other more fertile men/women. Children especially girls can grow up having very low opinion of their cheating parents and would rather not put themselves in a situation where they could be victims of such behaviors.

Perhaps it is time for Japan to leave these customs and traditions in the past. New social reforms are needed at this time to ensure that children and future adults can have a healthy opinion of sex and all matters pertaining to healthy relationships. It’s clear that Japan can’t continue with the increasingly alarming decline in population lest it run out of young folks before it does of the older generations. Now is the time for Japan to open its doors to other cultures and become a more diverse country. The moment has come for men and women from other countries to flock to Japan and repopulate Japan with mixed children from all over the world!

Now before you all start packing your bags and preparing to move to Japan. There are a couple of things to remember about Japanese people.:

  • First of all forget everything you learned from anime and manga, and remember that they are real people with likes and dislikes as well as emotions (no matter how cold and distant they might appear).
  • You’re going to need to be a functional member of society if you want to make their family proud.
  • At least have a college degree and functional knowledge of the Japanese language.
  • Don’t act like a stereotypical fool.
  • Tokyo is a regular place like any other, only instead of a naked cowboy they have things such as: fashion followers, naked cowboys, corn man, and grown men in anime doll masks .
  • Don’t walk around in costume.
  • Japanese people are likely to be embarrassed easily by even things that your country considers “normal”.
  • Get used to being given the cold shoulder for odd reasons which wouldn’t happen in your home country.
  •  I can’t stress this enough everyone is different and that includes them, don’t believe the stereotypes.

These news are extremely alarming for  Japan, a country whose largest demographic are aged 60 and above, and thus past the recommended age for child rearing. In a country that has been hit by several catastrophic events in such a small amount of time this could genuinely mean the end of an era, and the beginning of a new one. Japan has endured many things certainly it will endure running out of young people. No, this does not mean that old people should start having kids, they have enough issues as they are currently.

Source:

http://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/oct/20/young-people-japan-stopped-having-sex

Rejection Just Ahead Green Road Sign with Dramatic Storm Clouds and Sky.
Rejection Just Ahead Green Road Sign with Dramatic Storm Clouds and Sky.

*Disclaimer

This article belongs to the owner of the blog. The images belong to their respective owners and were not made by me. This article is a mixture of satire and information.

New Study Discovers Japanese Men More Likely to Cheat if Married or in a Relationship

Cheating

A new survey has surfaced in the land of the rising sun, Japan. This study performed by the Menjoy magazine was aimed at finding whether Japanese men would cheat on their spouses on the condition that they wouldn’t be caught .  The survey utilized a rather small sample size of 50 willing participants. But, the results demonstrated that a majority of Japanese men would in fact cheat on their partners if they had the opportunity.  When taking a closer look upon the responses provided by the participants the results were not uncommon.

At times the participants mentioned that their significant other stopped caring or having sexual contact with them after marriage, but a lover would have no problems with these encounters and as such happily provides the services needed for romance/sex. ‘A new marriage can seem bright and exciting, but once you’ve been married for a few years things start getting dull’ was a quote spoken by “Kentaro Sakamoto” from the Chiba Prefecture in Tokyo (one of the survey participants).  He also indicated that if he had not been in a relationship at the time he wouldn’t have been tempted to cheat.  A different participant, whose named he preferred to keep undisclosed, mentioned that if he weren’t in a relationship he wouldn’t be tempted by women who are jealous of his current significant other.  He said “ever since I became married, women in my office can’t seem to stop inviting me over to their apartments for tea”.

We can obviously tell from this information that the only reason people are cheating on each other are because they get into relationships. Relationships are great, they are a breath of fresh air and meeting new people can be an amazing experience, but they obviously lead to dangerous things such a cheating and sexually transmitted infections. Especially when you’ve been with someone for so long that they become boring and dull. People become comfortable around each other and suddenly the relationship slows down and this leads people into the arms of another who probably has herpes. The sad part is we know for a fact that this kind of events happen and we still choose to follow outdated traditions such as marriage.

It’s clear as day that if Japanese men were not forming deep emotional bonds with other individuals they wouldn’t be tempted to cheat. Japanese women wouldn’t be seeking men in relationships because none of them would have one. Thus the whole society would have an even playing field in the field of romance, and if children happen  there is still no reason for marriage, after all studies have shown that as long as both parents are involved in the child rearing the kids will be just fine. As long as both parties can agree on the custodial terms there shall be no problems.

Besides relationships cost time and money, both of which could be utilized towards improving the lives of their increasingly large populace of seniors. Certainly the country whose dwindling birth rates have been decreasing exponentially could see no benefit from partaking in such frivolities. Instead they could put their efforts in building synthetic human beings which will eventually replace us all.  I for one will welcome with open arms our new robotic overlords.

There you have it folks, the number one reason for cheating is starting a relationship. Why would you ever just use one car for your entire life when you could test drive all of them? It’s not cheating after all if there is no emotional attachment.  As we all know emotions are for losers who can’t have affairs and those are all the rage these day.

But, remember if you’re still keen on starting a relationship try having a polyamorous one. It’s not cheating if you’re both loving the same people and it can keep the spark of romance alive for generations to come.

 

 

Sources:

https://www.city-cost.com/blogs/City-Cost-News/zD8Yz

「彼女に絶対バレないんだったら浮気しちゃう?」意外すぎる結果…

https://forum.gaijinpot.com/forum/living-in-japan/relationships/79254-what-i-ve-learned-after-being-cheated-twice-by-japanese-girls

 

***Disclaimer***

 

As always the pictures utilized in this article belong to their respective owner, and the only thing that belongs to me is the article itself. I hope you guys know this is a work of snark and humor and not meant to be taken at face value.

First Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster in U.S. Vessel

FMS  Believe it or not, Pastafarianism is a legitimate world religion. It has reached almost all corners of the world from the United States to New Zealand and even Poland. It’s an incredible religion which points out the inherent flaws in a system which seeks to place its beliefs above those of others. In the United States the federal government, however has considered it a false religion a parody of belief satirizing “true believers”. Personally I believe this should be considered a criminal act. But, in the Navy we have something called equal opportunity and they are lawfully obligated to honor your beliefs regardless of silliness. It’s not perfect, yet, and we’re working towards that goal.

You see in the  Navy if you classify yourself as a Pastafarian then your dog tags will say Atheist/FSM. My lieutenant and I are seeking to change these rules and create the very first Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster cult aboard a naval vessel while deployed at sea and only during this time. This will ensure that the Navy has to take it seriously and actually observe the religion how it truly deserves.

The idea was born out of boredom during one of our infamous general quarter drills in which we practice and learn about the actions needed to be taken during moments of emergency. It was our glorious leader and lieutenant that specified he wanted to create a cult and was willing to endorse any sailor who would want to lead the service. He quickly enlisted the help of the swashbuckler because as we all know, I’m a buccaneer and pirates are the primary followers of the FSM.

The purpose of establishing this event would literally be to spread cheer and joy among the sailors who don’t identify with any of the mainstream religions. It would be an open event to all of the sailors in the boat and it has the best intentions of helping others at heart. We seek to liberate the hearts and minds of those who know that our lord the Flying Spaghetti Monster keeps his noodly appendages in our shoulders at all times. He doesn’t desire worship constantly, but appreciates our celebrations of his delicious goodness.

We want to host services, and give speeches and and then partake in delicious ramen and hopefully beer, if not then apple juice would do just as well. It’s not hard to see other sailors wanting to partake in these events seeing as we have Buddhist meditation time, and even Roman Catholic Mass in our ship. It would be a crime to forbid us from expressing our beliefs and it is with these grounds that we are certain of the success our cult will have. As you read these words I am working towards my ordination as a cleric of the church. I will do my best to follow the teachings of our lord in the sky.

We are plowing the fields of what will eventually become a beautiful garden and are certain that others will follow. We trust in the lord FSM and hope that the noodly appendages keep us grounded and safe as we organize all the paperwork required for this group to succeed. But, I need all the support in the world from every corner that can give us guidance and help endorse our group. We need an officiating letter from an established church and our mateys in New Zealand have agreed to endorse us. But, we need to know what to specify in this letter and if anyone here has any suggestion then please leave a comment.

What should be stated in our letter? What holidays should we celebrate? How should we celebrate them? What are the dates? Should we dress up like pirates during the service? Will we be speaking like buccaneers? Write back and let me know.

Truly my heart has been touched by his noodly appendages and shone the light upon me. I seek his guidance in all I do for he is the true leader of the world.

We even bought the bible and have several experts to help us in our way.  But, we could always use more help. Care packages always help too!

Disclaimer

I do not own the picture in this article. It belongs to its respective owner. I only own the blog and the article.

 

Latest Research Shows a Chocolate a Day Keeps the Doctor At Bay

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Brand new research conducted  by German chocolatiers in Berlin has shown direct correlation between the health of patients who consumed 1 bar of chocolate a day versus those who did not partake in chocolate and even those who partook in two or three per day. This is due to the nature of chocolate being filled with anti-oxidants and other nutritious component which benefit the human body.

The verdict is out on whether you should have that extra bar of chocolate at the end of the day, and the answer is yes. For centuries people have wondered about the natural benefits that eating chocolate would confer, such as increased libido, healthier skin, and even an increase in energy. Humanity now has proof that consuming chocolate will not only convey these benefits, but it will actually do much more including increasing your happiness. Who wouldn’t want to partake in such delicious treats after all? Nazi’s that’s who and nobody wants to be associated with those guys! However, you do want to associate yourself with the benefits that chocolate brings into your life.

The benefits of chocolate are not limited to the ones listed previously since they also include an increase in bust, waist, and self-awareness. You would have to be a fool to reject these results. Chocolate like many of the other positive things in life comes from nature and as we know nature loves us. It’s only natural that with such magnificent attributes the harvest of cacao would boost the economy and bring about a golden age of light.

One thing about chocolate you might not know about is the fact that it can be used in cooking. Yes, you can utilize cacao in cooking to make a multitude of recipes which include, gravy and even chocolate. Who would have guessed this miracle of nature had been sitting underneath us this entire time? I wouldn’t have ever guessed it myself. Not only that, but the studies also show that the increase in energy caused by consuming chocolate before a workout allows the body to heal and recuperate at a faster pace than normal. The study indicates that you should always bring a bar of chocolate with you to the gym before doing an intensive workout routine. However, the benefits don’t end there for the amazing chocolate.

It takes about an hour to burn off the excess calories from 3 pieces of chocolate, if you ever wanted to have an excuse for hours of passionate love making without having to leave the bed, this is it. You want to convince your loved ones that you are healthy for eating chocolate correct? What better way than by demonstrating your sexual prowess to your significant other. The study claims to not worry about those extra pounds since you’re probably just pregnant from all the love making which is happening in your bed. Just remember that your health also affects the fetus that is living inside of you, hence you will want to consume more chocolate in order to benefit both of you.

The study concludes with the following:

“Consuming chocolate certainly has a lot of benefits, but you must exercise care to not overindulge in the chocolate and that dark chocolate is much more beneficial to the body than milk chocolate.”

There you have it folks, feel free to eat all the chocolate you want. It was about time science did something positive for us chocolate lovers in the world and this has been a great achievement towards that goal.

This Guy Eats Chocolate for Every Meal and Is Probably Healthier Than You

http://jaha.ahajournals.org/content/3/4/e001072.full

http://www.livescience.com/36222-frequent-chocolate-eaters-slimmer.html

Chocolate: The Healthy and Not So Healthy Truth

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***Disclaimer***

I do not own any of the pictures for this article they belong to their respective owners. This article is also a work of fiction and not meant to be taken seriously.

Study Reveals an Increase of Flying Turtles on Highways in United States

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A recent study performed by The University of Florida University College has been tracking an unusual increase in vehicular accidents with the latest one happening on the I-4 highway in Orlando Florida. The study was trying to determine whether a correlation on the effects between climate change and turtle migration patterns. The lead scientist performing this study has cited “An Inconvenient Truth” as the inspiration behind the project and has been researching the subject for close to a decade. The results are said to be “remarkable” by one researcher named Ignatius Michael Seaman.

The research involved tracking the number of incidents over the years and changes in climate. Head researcher Thomas Alexander Males (pronounced Mah-Less) said he noticed an unusual trend in drying lakes and other turtle friendly habitats which lead to an increase in migration. Due to the higher numbers of migrating reptilians the number of car accidents involving these reptilians has naturally increased. The accident have happened for a multitude of reasons including turtles being sent flying after being passed over by vehicles or drivers causing vehicular accidents by virtue of dodging the poor animals. But, due to this unusual reptilian activity Mr. Males has stated he had grounds for a solid thesis.

The thesis proposed by Mr. Males has stated the following: Turtle migration patterns have been affected by climate change due to the decrease in hospitable habitats caused by the overall increase of temperature on parts in the United States. This change in migration patterns has caused an overall increment in turtle related incidents in the southern states like California and Florida where turtles are commonly found among the fauna. My study seeks to confirm or deny whether a correlation between climate changes and turtle migrations which could affect the number of vehicular accidents involving the fauna of each State exists.

The study has also been supported by other studies which have tried to correlate the increase of turtle casualties in states that have had changes in habitat. Thus far the research of Mr. Males and his team has yielded very positive results and they awaiting the following few months to announce their results to the world. But, the researches do warn to watch out for flying reptiles that could be heading your way.

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You can find more information on this topic at the following links:

http://www.lakejacksonturtles.org/accident.htm

http://www.humanesociety.org/issues/wildlife_roads/facts/turtles_highways_crossing.html

http://www.lakejacksonturtles.org/accident.htm

https://blogs.umass.edu/natsci397a-eross/an-answer-to-vehicle-caused-turtle-fatalities-in-florida/

http://www.jstor.org/stable/3803725

http://www.wesh.com/news/turtle-goes-airborne-crashes-through-windshield-on-i4/39532102

 

Disclaimer:

Thank you for reading and hopefully you enjoyed this article as much as I enjoyed writing it. The images attached belong to their respective owners and the original link to the pictures can be found above. This article is a work of fiction and meant to be take with a grain of salt.